Via Nova
by Silav
Summary: What if Xander had never loved a certain Slayer? This little question catapults Xander on a journey of discovery that will span time, space, and lives. Reposted and updated.
1. What if?

The original version of this chapter was basically written as a one-shot, but after my decision to continue this storyline, I felt that I had to revise a few things to make the story flow better. Not to mention the fact that the formatting basically sucked. ^_^ 

Also, a few caveats: although Iam a fervent B/X'er at heart, I am more than open minded enough to accomodate other pairings, both for Buffy, as well as for Xander. The ending I have in mind is B/X, but that is not set in stone, seeing the events in Seasons 6 and 7. Since this story was deleted for some reason, I at least managed to update AND revise. ^_^ 

  
**Title:** **_Via Nova 1/?_**  
**Author:** Silav  
  
**Disclaimer:** BtVS = NOT mine. That means I cannot have the Buffy/Faith/18-yr. old Dawn sandwich I always wanted!!! Yay me! D'oh!  
**Category:** YOU decide  
**Rating:** R to be safe.   
**Pairing: **A whole slew of them. Expect Faith/Xander, definitely, as well as Buffy/Xander. Prolly more. ^_^  
**Timeframe:** Post "Entropy", but before the big events in "Seeing Red"   
**Spoilers:** Up to "Entropy". Ye have been warned. Avast matey, thar be spoilers ahead!  
**Feedback:** Interesting metaphor number one: I am Season 1 Xander. Feedback is Buffy. Xander says to Buffy: "Can I have you?"

****

Author's notes: __

Italicized text = Xander's thoughts

"" = Xander-speak

** = Other characters speaking

~*~

****

Location: _Everywhere_  
**Time: **_Everywhen_  
~*~

  
**_{{Ah...Valis. Do you wish to pit yourself against me once again?}}_**

That goes without saying, Demon Lord. The same Game as always?__

{{Yes, Valis. But this time, I shall set the beginning terms and choose the pieces.}}

~*~

****

Location: _Xander's apartment_  
**Time:** _Late evening_  
~*~

_Hey all. My name's Buttmonkey. I _used_ to be called Xander. Alexander Whose-Middle-Name-Shall-Never-Be-Mentioned Harris. Of course, I stopped **_being_** Xander, and became the Universe's Buttmonkey when I realized two simple things:  
  
One: The woman I was supposed to marry did the horizontal dance with a dead body.   
  
Two: The woman I always looked up to, one of my closest friends, my damn HERO, did the the tango, well, at least the XXX version of the tango, with the same dead body as my fianceéé did. And not for   
the first time, either. Nope. Nosiree!  
  
I swear...if this wasn't my life...and I was watching this on some TV show, I'd either be laughing my ass off at the sheer wrong-headed stupidity of those two statements, or I'd be too busy getting   
reacquainted with my dinner as it comes up the same hole it disappeared into.  
It's bad enough that I **_know_** my fianceé was doing a dead body, but I just **_had_** to see it with my own eyes...The scene was perfectly captured at 24 fps on a computer monitor. One second I was seeing Willow go "Oh My God!", and the next minute I was staring at Anya boffing Spike on a table in the Magic Box in full Techincolor. God knows I'll never be able to see that particular table the same way again.  
  
Hey. I'm a carpenter! I'll just smash that table, re-work one of the table legs into a stake, then dust Spike with it! Yeah!!! That'll show that bastard! I'll stake him with a stake made out of the table on which he "staked" my fianceéé! Irony, much?  
  
And then...there's Buffy. Yup. Seems she did it again! You'd think that after the whole Angel/Angelus fiasco that she'd have learned that she's supposed to "slay" the undead. **_Not_** "lay" them. Haha. Lookit me. I made a funny. Too bad it's overused.  
  
I mean, how many times does it take for her to get the "Slayer" part? I mean, she's a college girl! Come on, Buffy! You Slayer. You see undead creature of the night. You go into asskicking mode. You   
stake undead creature. It goes poof. You look damn good while you do it, too.   
  
Let me reiterate! Buffy stakes vampire. **_Not_** Buffy sees vamp, thinks vamp is hot, then lets vamp "stake" her! I seem to be on a roll with all that hidden innuendo I put into the word staking. Ha. Ha. Ha.   
  
God...my life sucks. The only reason I'm not breaking down is because I'm trying to laugh at my problems. Any time I feel pain, I cover it up by goofing off. I've become so damn good at it, I even do it to myself sometimes. Like now, for instance. Not that it's working much. But hey. I'd rather laugh at my pain, than take the path my dear Daddy took.   
_  
"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
  
_Then again, alcohol's looking mighty good right now...   
  
Maybe later. I'm not feeling at all motivated to get out of this sofa I plopped down on. Thank God the remote for my stereo is here. Ahhhh....cue that sweet, sweet country music. The music of pain. The music of the brokenhearted.  
  
Strange. I feel nothing for Anya now. Only the vaguest sense of betrayal. I'm pissed...sure. But it seems that the main reason I'm pissed is because she slept with Spike. If she slept with someone   
else, I guess I wouldn't have gone all Terminator with an axe.   
  
After all...I was the one who left her standing at the altar...when I look back at it...I'm just glad I'm still standing in one piece, since she's an ex-Vengeance Demon and all.  
_  
"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
  
_Alcohol looks **_very**_ good right now.   
  
I know I have some left stashed somewhere...now where did I put it? Ahhhh. Here it is. Behind a box of...crushed Twinkie wrappers. Suprising, much?  
  
Wooh. That's the stuff. Always preferred a decent shot of whiskey, but I'm glad Anya talked me into trying out Smirnoff's.  
  
Hmmm. Feeling all mellow now. Almost...introspective. Wow! Hear that! I used a big word! Hah! The Xand-Man's vocabulary is quite extensive, thank you very much! It's just that the large amount   
of...beings...I could practice on wouldn't really appreciate it.  
  
If I threw words like that around, the Scooby-gang would look at me like I grew a new head, while Spike would simply glance away and mumble either "nancy", "ponce", or "wanker". As for the assorted demons and vampires I run into, I don't really have much chance to strike up a decent conversation with them...seeing as all they're interested in is making ME dinner, as well as the subject of their after-munchies discussions...in a very morbid way.  
_  
"..."  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh"  
"..."  
  
_So. Here I am. Twenty-something, with a decent job, great friends (most of them babes), and a bright future ahead of me in construction.  
  
At least, that's what people on the outside would see.   
  
But those outside, looking in...would never see...  
  
The pain that abusive parents can inflict on your soul._

The pain of hurting the ones you love.  
The pain of lying to the ones you love.  
The pain in knowing that you could degenerate into a raving alcoholic like your Dad.  
The pain of leaving your fianceé at the altar.  
The pain in knowing that no matter how far I may come in life, I'll never be good enough.  
The pain of loving someone with all your heart and soul...but never being loved the same way in return.  
  
**_GAAAAH!!!_**  
  
Must it always come down to** _her_**? Why, oh _why_ must my heart be tied to someone who has made it clear to me, so many times, and on so many levels, that I'll always be "one of the girls"? That I'll never rate a second glance? That she'll never see me that way, because I could never be like Angel. Or Parker. Or Riley.   
  
Or for all that's holy, I could never be be like Spike.   
  
Damnit, Buffy! How could you do this? With **_Spike_**! You slept with another vampire! Does a dead body flip a switch inside of you or something? What were you _thinking_?! Were you even thinking in the first place?! And, God help me, if you **_were_** thinking, what the **_hell_** were you thinking with?!  
  
Wait...what the hell am **_I_ **thinking? What the _hell_ is wrong with me??? Why am I even interested in the fact that my so-called hero once _**again**_ shows that she'll always choose someone who'll just end   
up hurting her, when if she would just give me a chance...  
  
I'm doing it again!!! For God's sake, I saw my fianceé do the mattress mambo with another guy! A dead guy, pity's sake! And instead of focusing on that, I focus on Buffy. How frickin' **_whipped_** am I, anyway? Unrequited love **_isn't_** love! Just how damn self-destructive can Xander "ButtMonkey" Harris be?  
  
"..."  
_Glass makes such a nice sound when it breaks on a wall. Who needs a glass, anyway?_

"..."  
  
_I guess...Future Me was right. Although I never really believed Future Me when it said that I would turn out like dear old Dad...it **_was_** right when it showed, in subtle terms, that I still love _her_.   
  
And HEY! Just because it was a subtle message does **_not_** mean I can't pick it up! I may be a buttmonkey, but when it comes to things like this, you can call me Spider-Xand, 'cuz my Xander-sense will pick it up!  
  
I can almost see Giles pinching his brow after that remark...Heh. The only one who can get him to do that anywhere near as often as I can is Buffy.   
  
My my...aren't my thoughts goin' 'round and 'round like a merry-go-round....all leading back to Buffy. It always comes down to her...It's embarassing to admit that, yeah, she'll always come first in my heart. She always has. Even in my Willow/Cordelia days, I would have dropped either of them without a thought if she crooked a finger in my direction. Does that make me a bad person? Am I a bad person?   
_  
"Oooof...".  
  
_Right. I'm sitting up. Must obey commands of bladder. In a second, anyway. I'm so pitiful that thoughts of Buffy come before mere bodily functions...  
  
Did I mention that my sitting up put more pressure on my bladder? Bad move. Horizontal good. I could do that. Ahhh. Couch...good.  
  
Bah. After the events of this evening...nothing will be the same...not for me. And certainly not my feelings for a certain Vampire-Laying Vampire Slayer. Again with that particular turn of phrase. Bitter, much?   
  
But she is still my friend. Well...if you can call our "relationship" that. I'm so tired of giving, and giving, and giving...and I seem to be repeating myself.   
  
Wheee. My, that lightbulb looks awfully pretty with it's golden light...like Buffy's hair...all golden silk...  
  
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Harris, get a grip. Well.  
  
Man oh man...I'm feeling woozy. Cute word, that. Woooozyyyyy. Anyway. Ok, Buffy. If that's the way you want it, don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes to SMASH!   
  
Whoops. Got a little excited with that last sentence there. Now I'm gonna have to clean up the table, or it'll smell really bad later....Wait. This is **_vodka_**, not beer! It doesn't smell bad at all! I _knew_ there was a reason I had this. I mean, aside from the 40% alcohol content. Heh.  
  
Righto. What to do about this situation? Ignore her? Bail out of SunnyHell? Nothing keeping me here now...Nope. Nothing.  
  
But that would be the coward's way out. I'm her friend. I care for her. Damnit. That means I have to be there for her. Doesn't it? Isn't that what a friend does? And in spite of all that has happened...do I still love her? Do I?  
  
I stare at the bottle, whilst I swirl the vodka inside...  
  
And I ponder...And I reflect...  
And I wonder...  
At last, I say out loud...  
_

"What if I had never fallen in love with Buffy at all?"   
  
_All of a sudden, I hear a voice I haven't heard for so very, very long...  
_  
*Well, why dont'cha find out for yourself, Xand, my man?*  
  
**"JESSE?!"**

~*~

****

Location: _Everywhere_  
**Time: **_Everywhen_  
~*~

**__**

Hmmm. I see you want a complicated Game this time. Very well, I agree to these conditions._._

{{As I thought you would. Well, Valis...the first move is yours. Are you ready?}}

Indeed I am, Demon Lord. Let the game begin.__


	2. Second star to the right

****

Title: **_Via Nova _**Chapter 2/?  
**Author:** Silav  
  
**Disclaimer:** BtVS = NOT mine. That means I cannot have the Buffy/Faith/18-yr. old Dawn sandwich I always wanted!!! Yay me! D'oh!  
**Category:** YOU decide  
**Rating:** R to be safe.   
**Pairing: **A whole slew of them. Expect Faith/Xander, definitely, as well as Buffy/Xander. Prolly more. ^_^  
**Timeframe:** Post "Entropy", but before the big events in "Seeing Red"   
**Spoilers:** Up to "Entropy". Ye have been warned. Avast matey, thar be spoilers ahead!  
**Feedback:** Interesting metaphor number two: I am Xander looking for weapons to beat the judge. Feedback is a rocket launcher. Xander says to rocket launcher: "Yeah, baby"!

****

Author's notes: __

Italicized text = Xander's thoughts

"" = Xander-speak

** = Other-speak

~*~

****

Location: _EveryWhere_  
**Time: **_EveryWhen_

~*~

  
**_{{I await your opening move with great anticipation, Valis. You are always so unpredictable.}}_**

That is part of my...power, as you well know.

{{All too true, Valis. All too true. Well then. Make your move.}}

~*~

****

Location: _The NullZone_  
**Time: **_No-Time_

~*~

**__**

  
"JESSE?!"   
  
_No way. There is **no** way that the best friend I staked almost seven years ago is right here in the middle of my living room! I'm just smashed, that's all! Yep! That's it! I'm just hallucinating!_   
  
*That's me. At least, that's what my birth certificate said. My **death **certificate said that too...if you know what I mean...*  
  
**"JESSE?!"**  
  
*Dude, if you keep saying my name that often, I'm gonna have to charge you licensing fees.*  
  
**"Huh?"**  
  
_Oh looky...my apartment is disappearing in...what seems to be one heck of a great example of special effects...and it's fading right into...an endless expanse of white. What the HELL do they put into this Smirnoff-thing?! Pretty trippy!_  
  
_Jeez...just goes to show ya...I can't even hallucinate properly...Ya'd think that I'd hallucinate myself out of my apartment, and right into a harem of beautiful, scantily-clad women who all look like Buffy or Faith...Mmmm...Buffy **and** Faith…_  
  
*Uhmmm...Xand...dude...you're drooling...*  
  
"Hmmmmm?"   
  
*Xander! Come on, man. Snap out of it! Or at least clue me into the sick fantasy I just KNOW you were having!*  
  
**_FOCUS! _**Come on, Brain. Work with me here! Focus!  
  
"Jesse!"  
  
_Oh **yeah**, Brain...that's the stuff all right...**not.**_  
  
*Man, Harris...are you being dense on purpose or what?*  
  
"Huh?"  
  
_I'm setting new standards here! At this rate, I'll be up to...say...simple arithmetic by the time the world blows up...which, seeing as I live on the Hellmouth, might not even be all that far off... _  
  
*Yup. No doubt about it. We have GOT to work on your conversation skills.*  
  
"HEY! Gimme a sec, ok?"  
  
*No prob...time's the least of the things you should worry about here.*  
  
_Ok...I'm focused. I'm calm. My mind is now as sharp as...a very sharp thing. Time to take stock of my hallucination. Let's see...There's...one dead best bud, who's standing a couple of feet away, smirking at me. There's...a white void...where my apartment used to be...**HUH?!**_  
  
"What the hell is going on! Where's my apartment! For that matter, where's the rest of...well...everything! And you, Jesse! You're dead! What the hell are you? A vamp? A demon?! So help me, if you've done one thing to..."   
  
*I see you picked up Willow's babble-speak.*  
  
"HEY!"   
  
*Shaddap! Now stay put while I explain!*   
  
"No, **you** shaddap! You're just a hallucination brought on by my having imbibed an excess amount of alcohol. No more foreign stuff for me! Never again! Nope. In fact, if all alcohol does to me is to make me hallucinate that my dead best bud, whom I personally **staked** I might add, and **no**, there is **nothing **at all suggestive of my usage of that word now, then I won't ever drink another drop!"  
  
*Uhh...Xand?*  
  
"Why couldn't I have dreamed up something else? A happy dream would be great right about now! Like me dreaming about Buffy telling me that she loved me? That she would give me a chance? Wait a minute! That's so damn impossible, it's not even dream-worthy! She'd rather boff DeadBoy Jr. than give me the time of day!"  
  
*Dude...Xander...*  
  
"Oh, oh, for that matter, why can't I just hallucinate about a world where I don't **give** a flying rat's ass about what, or **who**, the almighty Slayer does? 'Cuz God knows a world like that wouldn't be as damn painful!"  
  
*Pissed at her, aren't you?*  
  
"Nah! Why would you imagine that?!"  
  
*Well the fact that you're waving around that bottle right in front of my nose very emphatically **is** kind of a tip-off...*  
  
"Huh? Oh...Sorry. It's just that no one can get under my skin quite as well as **she** can. And why the hell should you care if I accidentally hit you with a bottle?! You're **dead**!"  
  
*Oh...right...kick a guy when he's dead! Rub it in, why dontcha!*  
  
"Oh...Jesse. Sorry man. I never meant to say that..."  
  
*Nah, It's ok. No biggie.*  
  
"No. I mean...I'm sorry. For..you know..."  
  
*What? Staking me?*  
  
"Well d'oh! Of **course** I'm sorry I staked you! You were one of my best friends!"  
  
*I know, Xand-Man. I didn't give you much of a choice back then. It was you or me. Besides...you didn't kill me. I was already dead. Instead, you saved me.*  
  
"Jesse, if your idea of saving someone is shoving a piece of wood in their chest, I'd really **hate** to see what constitutes your idea of not saving someone..."  
  
*Shaddap, Lavelle!*   
  
"Hey! No one calls me that! I may owe you, having staked you and all, but calling me that is going too far!"  
  
*Oh for....will you just **listen?!***  
  
"Hey, no need to get mad...I was just bowled over by your idea that staking someone is one heck of a rescue technique**..."**

*Shaddap. What I mean to say is...you spared me from an eternity of bloodslurping and causing others pain. Which would have rightly sucked, no pun intended."   
  
"Ok, I can get that, but still...you're **thanking** me for staking you? You must be the only vamp who's **ever **told me that!"

*Shaddap!*  
  
"Ok, Ok. Shutting up now. But if you're not a dream, then why wait do you just show up now? I missed you, man. There were so many times I wished I could have talked to you. For example, when Wills and Buffy started college and dropped me like an empty Twinkie wrapper, the only person I had to talk to was...well...no one. I really could have used your company then."  
  
*I know, man. I know. But there are reasons. And there's a lot of things I have to explain before we go.*  
  
"Excuse me...We?"  
  
*Yes. We.*  
  
"Huh?"  
  
*Oh for...Remember what you said before I came along?*  
  
"What? That remark about me wondering what would have happened if I ever fell in love with Buffy?"  
  
*Yeah.*  
  
"What about it? Oh...wait! This is the damn Hellmouth! Oh crap! I shoulda known better than to say such things out loud here! No! No! I take it back!"  
  
*Relax, my man. Let me tell you a few things, though. One, when we're in this place, you cannot hide your emotions. At all. Time is temporarily static for you, until your journey is done, so you won't age.*

"Woah, there pardner! You mean I can't die? Cool! What other powers do I get?"  
  
*No no! Of course you can die! You just won't age, that's all. And you will receive no powers whatsoever.*  
  
"What the! I demand a refund!"  
  
*Hehe. Sorry.*   
  
"Ok, then what **is** the point of this so-called journey we're supposed to be taking?"  
  
*You'll find out on the way.*  
  
"God, not another Cryptic-guy!"  
  
*Sorry, my man. Rules.*   
  
"Since when did **you** follow rules?"  
  
*When they're enforced the way these rules are, oh believe me, I can follow rules alright...Anyway! I'm curious though...this isn't the first time you've been disappointed by the actions the Slayer has taken, but this is the first time you've ever truly lost your faith in her. Why the sudden change of heart?   


"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
  
"Why? Because I'm tired of being her buttmonkey. I'm tired of loving her so much that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to really get over her. I can't stand knowing that any other relationship I will ever have is doomed to failure because I can't seem to stop loving her. I am so sick of watching her repeat the same mistakes over and over again, and yet still catch her when she falls."  
  
"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
  
"And lastly...because there has **got** to be something more out there for me than living a life knowing that I will never be good enough to get the woman I love to love me the same way.."  
  
*Indeed there is, Xand my man. There is so **much** out there. Let me show you...*

~*~

****

Location: _EveryWhere_  
**Time**: _EveryWhen_   
~*~

  
**_{{That was...a very intriguing opening gambit, Valis. His inclusion was quite unexpected.}}_**

That's what I thought you would say…your move, Demon Lord.


	3. Doorways

Sorry for the short chapter. Just wanted to get this out, to setup the rest of the story, should there be enough interest in me continuing.

**Title:** **_Via Nova 3/?  
_Author: **Silav  
**_  
_Disclaimer: **BtVS = NOT mine. That means I cannot have the Buffy/Faith/18-yr. old Dawn sandwich I always wanted!!! Yay me! D'oh!  
**Category:** YOU decide  
**Rating:** R to be safe.   
**Pairing: **A whole slew of them. Expect Faith/Xander, definitely, as well as Buffy/Xander. Prolly more. ^_^**Timeframe:** Post "Entropy", but before the big events in "Seeing Red"   
**Spoilers:** Up to "Entropy". Ye have been warned. Avast matey, thar be spoilers ahead!  
**Feedback:** Interesting metaphor number three: Feedback is a Twinkie. I am Xander. Does Xander like Twinkies?

****

Author's Notes:

= Xander's thoughts/POV

"" = Xander-speak

** = Other-speak

** ** = Other-thoughts

~*~

****

Location: _EveryWhere_

****

Time: _EveryWhen_

~*~

****

Well, Demon Lord? Are you ready to make your next move?

__

{{I already have Valis.}}

Is that so? I fail to see exactly what it is that you have done…

__

{{Look carefully, Valis…Look carefully…}}

~*~

****

Location: _The NullZone_

****

Time: _No-Time_

~*~

"Show me what, Jesse?"

*I plan on showing you what you wanted to see, dude.*

"And how do you plan on showing me that? Some kind of spell or something? And for that matter, where the heck are we, anyway?" 

*Well, in the same order, the answers are: By showing you differing realities; No, what I'm doing is beyond the scope of the petty magic you're used to; The NullZone.*

Huh?

"Ok…Run that by me again. This time in English."

*Oh for…Fine. Xand, you remember that time when you ticked Cordelia off, and she made that wish? She didn't create a new reality, she simply opened a gateway to another reality where things were…different. Think parallel universes, my man.*

Oh, parallel universes! Why didn't he say that in the first place! And people say watching science-fiction on TV isn't educational. Hah!

"Ok, I can get that. Wait, wait…If you can open a gateway to other universes, what are you? A Vengeance or wish-granting demon or something?" 

*No, man! One, I'm not a demon, and two, Vengeance demons are SO little-league!*

"Well then, what **are** you, then?"

*It's difficult to explain…call me a sort of…Guide from the higher-ups.*

"Oh, you work for the Powers That Be? Uhmmm…I didn't think my question was THAT funny, Jesse…"

*So-so-sorry, man…It's just that no one really works for them. They're so damn cryptic that even their servants go into fits trying to decipher their instructions. But if it makes it easier to understand, sure, I work for the PTB. Indirectly, any way.*

"Ok, I can live with that. And what was that comment you made about petty magic? I've seen Wills do some pretty hefty stuff, man. She's **way **into the hocus-pocus thing. Too much into it, actually. Hey, Jesse…why the sad look on your face?" 

*What? Oh, nothing! I just miss the old days with you and me and Wills, that's all. You know, OUR Scooby-gang…Before all the staking and world-saving and me dying happened.*

__

**Oh man, Xander…if only you knew exactly how deep into the magic she has fallen…and how close Willow will come to destroying everything…**

"I know what you mean, Jesse…I miss having you with me and Wills."

*Well, to continue explaining, we're now in the NullZone. It's the place where everything, including time and space break down. That's why time is static here…In this non-place, even time falls apart.*

"What, it's a black-hole or something?" 

*In a way. There's no other way I can explain it without getting technical. But if you want, I could explain…well, **try** to explain, anyway….*

"Very funny. Please, spare me the details. No time here. That's good enough for me."

*Thought so…anyway. Since this is the place all time and space converges, it connects to the Hall of Portals. There, I'll show you a gateway…and through that gateway you will see what your life would be like if you had never fallen in love with a certain Buffy Summers. Are you ready?*

"Yeah…I want to see how different my life would have been without these…feelings of mine. I wanna see what it's like to live without torturing myself with thoughts of a certain remote impossible possibility…"

*Ok…close your eyes…*

~*~

****

Location: _The Hall of Portals_

****

Time: _All-Time_

~*~

*Xand. You can open your eyes now, dude.*

"D'oh!"

Ok…let's take stock of my situation. Instead of an endless white expanse…I see another endless expanse of white. And a whole lot of…colored doors?!

"What the heck is this, Jesse? I at least expected cool swirly-like thingies for the gateways! Not…normal doors painted in weird colors!" 

*Well, there's not much I can do about the doors themselves, Xand…but the colors are a clue as to how dark the reality on the other side is, as seen through the eyes of the perceiver of the gateways. The darker the color, the darker the universe inside the gateway is. * 

"So the color I see when I look at the doors tells me how happy or sad I would be in the universe on the other side, right?"

*In a nutshell, yeah.*

"And all these doors lead to worlds where I never fell in love with Buffy?" 

*Yes. Behind those doors are worlds where you never fell in love with her in the first place.*

"Jesse…"

*Yeah, Xand?" 

"The doors I see…they're all **black**." 

****

~*~

Location: _EveryWhere_

****

Time: _EveryWhen_

~*~

****

Your masking of the colors of some of the gateways was an interesting move.

__

{{Truly. And since that wasn't in the original terms, it does not count as a move…therefore, I have yet to make one, correct?}}

Your altering of the playing field after the original setting of the pieces is against the rules, you know. Not that I expected you to abide by them. However, I must concede your point. Very well. The turn is yet yours.

__

{{Ever the honorable being, my worthy opponent. It shall yet prove to be your undoing.}}

Play, Demon Lord.

__

{{Indeed I shall…}}

~*~

****

Location: _The Hall of Portals_

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Time: _All-Time_

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"Why the hell are they all black?! What, am I so pathetic that I'll never be happy if I don't fall in love with Buffy?!"

*No, Xander. The only thing it means is that the events that happened in those worlds are not exactly all happy-happy joy-joy in your point of view.*

"Oh yeah? Like what? Care to give me an example? Never mind, I'll just open a door and see for myself!"

*Wait, Xander! Don't!*

**Screw** that! I cannot believe that I'm so whipped that I need Buffy to be happy! That's so damn pathetic!

"Aarrrrrrgh!"

*Xander!*

Should I still continue, or should I quit? FEEDBACK!!!


	4. Consequences

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Title: **_Via Nova 4/?_**

Author: Silav

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Disclaimer: BtVS = NOT mine. If it WERE mine, I could have the Buffy/Faith/18-year old Dawn sandwich I've always wanted! But since it isn't mine, tough noogies for me. And for all the others who wanted said sandwich.

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Category: YOU decide

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Rating: R, to be safe.

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Pairings: Buffy/Xander will figure in this fic, eventually, although seeing what happened in Seasons 6 and 7, it's difficult to keep the faith. ^_^ There will be other pairings, for Xander, as well. Expect Faith/Xander…and maybe even Dawn/Xander. 

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Timeframe: After "Entropy", but before the big events in "Seeing Red".

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Spoilers: All the way up to "Entropy". Avast matey, thar be spoilers ahead! 

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Feedback: I ran out of metaphors today. Let's just say feedback is necessary for me, and leave it at that. 

Author's Notes: __

Italicized text = Xander's thoughts

"" = Xander-speak

** = Other-speak

** ** = Other-thoughts

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Location: _The Hall of Portals_

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Time: _All-Time_

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~*~

*Xander! You ok, man?*

_Dead...They were all DEAD!_

"What the HELL happened on that world, Jesse?! All the people I know and love were dead! I saw their gravestones! Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Ms. Summers, Cordy...I even saw mine..."

*I don't know what to tell you, Xander...*

"Well, you can start telling me why the HELL they all died in the first place! I thought these doors led to worlds where I didn't love Buffy, NOT worlds where all that remained of us were gravestones with pithy afterwords!"

*These doors DO lead to the worlds you wanted to see, Xander. All these doors lead to worlds where the only real difference was that you never loved Buffy the way you do, or where you never really cared for her at all.*

_This doesn't make any sense!_

"I don't...understand...If the only difference in the world through that door was that I didn't love Buffy, then why did everyone I know die?"

*Gimme a sec...I don't know exactly what happened on that particular world. Let me touch the portal and find out.*

"..."

"..."

_Come on, hurry up already!_

"Well?"

*Patience, GrassHopper. Rome was not built in a day.*

"Mixing platitudes much?"

*Shaddap. Oh. So that's what happened on this world.*

_Finally! Were you like waiting for the coming of Christ or something? Wait...knowing my luck and living where I live, that could be tomorrow._

"What? What? Spill, already!"

*Calm down. Ok the main difference on this world is...*

"What? The fact that everyone was 6 feet underground and dead instead of on sea-level and ambulatory?"

*You want to hear this, or not?*

_Excuse for breathing...no pun intended, my dead friend._

"Shutting up now..."

*If I could breathe, I'd be sighing now. How in God's name Giles could ever stand you without going Ripper on your ass I will never understand.*

_HEY!_

"HEY!"

*Heheh. Getting back to the point...*

"Finally..."

*I heard that. Anyway, the main difference in this world compared to your world was that...*

"I thought you were getting to the point?"

*Shaddap! Fine. In this world, Buffy died fighting the Master.*

"So what? That happened on my world too. Angel and I brought her back."

*No, no. In this world Buffy really died fighting the Master, because in THAT world, you didn't go after her. Ergo, she died. In a terminal way. Uhmmm...what are you fiddling in your ear for, Xand?*

_I can't have heard that right! Shoulda cleaned my ears this morning..._

"I'm sorry, I must have something in my ear, 'cuz I could have SWORN you said Buffy died fighting the Master because I wasn't there to bring her back. Ok, I should be hearing properly now...Run it by me again, would ya?"

**SIGH**

*Since you didn't bring her back from the dead on this world, everything changed...and will you PLEASE pull your fingers away from your ears!*

"Sorry, it still seems like there's something stuck in my ears for some reason, Jesse."

*Oh for God's sake, will you listen to me!*

"No damnit, Jesse! YOU listen! Tell me, were Buffy and I friends on that world?"

*Well, yes.*

"Then why didn't I go after her? If she was my friend, I would have at least tried to save her! This doesn't make any sense at all!"

*You REALLY don't get it, do you?*

"Get what?" 

*Ok, Xander, remember that time. Remember the events that led to your bringing her back...*

"But..."

*Shaddap and do it!*

"I still don't understand why I didn't save her on that world! Sure, on that world, I may not have loved her, but she was my friend, right? I mean, come on! If didn't do it, why didn't Giles or Willow...do...it..."

*Indeed...Giles was her Watcher. Willow was one of her best friends. And even Angel, who loved her, didn't do anything. Why? Because they all believed it was her destiny to die at the hands of the Master. After all, the Codex, which was never wrong, foretold her death that night in the Master's Lair. Everyone else had already steeled themselves for the inevitable. Even Buffy believed she would die, and cold-cocked the G-man to stop him from coming after her. Not that Giles would have interfered...He's a Watcher, and they're firm believers in destiny and stuff like that.*

_No way! Giles loves Buffy! In a totally father-daughter way! He'd better! The thought of them together...Ewww!!!_

"That can't be true! Giles would have tried to do something..."

*What, the same Giles that let her go through her Cruciamentum? He loves her, yes. But in his mind at that time, Fate was Fate, and could not be denied.*

"..."

*Sure, you're thinking that that can't be the only reason you went after her then. And you'd be right. However, not that I like being the bearer of bad news and all, but the MAIN reason Buffy lived through that experience was because you loved her enough to defy Fate and save her. You know it. I know it. Angel knows it. Even Giles knows it.* 

_What about Buffy?_

"...What about...Never mind."

_Doesn't really matter. Not that it would have changed anything._

*Hmmm? What was that you mumbled?*

"Nothing important. So...all these black doors lead to worlds where Buffy dies, huh?"

*Hell no. For example, this door leads to a world where YOU died shortly after seeing her for the first time.*

"Say WHAT? What happened?"

*Well, in your world, it was love at first sight. So naturally, you spent as much time with her as possible. Which ended up in you being with her when you first encountered vampires. Which led to you not being dinner.*

"So, on that world, I didn't fall in love with her, didn't try to spend time with her, and basically ended up as a Happy Meal."

*Hey, you're pretty good at this! Want to take a guess as to what happened in the world behind the next door?*

"Let me guess, it's a world where I turn into a vampire and YOU end up staking me. What's with the weird look?"

*Never mind. No, on this world you fell out of love with her after that time she used you to make Angel jealous. Buffy died on this world because when you tried to stop Angelus from visiting in the hospital whe n she was sick, Angelus was not impressed and walked right over you. In a very terminal fashion.*

"Oh..."

_Jesus...I was scared spitless, not that I'll ever mention it to anyone. Not that I ever plan on mentioning that particular scene to anyone, period._

*Yep, Xand. The only reason that Angelus backed off was because he knew you loved her enough to fight to your dying breath. But in that world...let's just say things were different."

"...And all these worlds lead to places where either I die, or Buffy does?"

*No, in some worlds, you both live on. In some worlds, you even end up marrying Anya, or whomever. But in all those types of worlds, you never got over Buffy, and it poisoned every relationship you had.*

"That can't be right! How pathetic am I, for God's sake!"

*It has nothing to do with being pathetic, my man. It has everything to do with the fact that you loved her with all your heart and soul, and in spite of her choosing other men, you never really got a sense of closure. Because after that first time when you asked her out for the Spring Fling, not once have you ever really made it clear that you cared for her in a more than friends way. And your being with other women didn't really help any. *

"You have GOT to be kidding me!"

  
*Women can be just as dense as men in that sense, dude.*

_He's got a point there, I guess._

"So my not caring for her is a bad thing? So I'm fated to spend the rest of my life tied to her? Doomed to never find happiness without her?!"

*Hell no. What makes you think that?*

"Look at those worlds! They're all worlds where my life sucks because I didn't love her!"

*You're missing the point. The point is this: if you want to find happiness in your life without her, you HAVE to get closure for the feelings you have for Buffy. Otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life asking yourself "what if"...Which is a bad thing, let me tell you.*

"I know...but still..."

*Being scared is a part of life, my friend. But at least you'll know. Once and for all. Lay it on the line, Xander. And take it as it comes.*

"I guess you're right. But I'd prefer to defer that moment to a more appropriate oppurtunity. Or something."

*I see Giles rubbed off on you...and that sent my mind to a very BAD visual place...*

_To paraphrase Cordy: Make me YAKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!_

"Ewww. God...EWWWW."

*You have no idea, dude. Hell, there are worlds where you DO...well...Giles.*

_NO FRIGGING WAY!_

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"

*Nope. I mess with thee not, Xand.*

"There is no way in the universe that would happen!"

*Xand, the Hall of Portals connects to ALL possible universes...including universes like that...*

"Ughh. No. Never. Ewww!"

*I share your disgust, my friend.*

"Let there be no mention of this. Ever again."

*Agreed.*

"My universe shall be Giles-free. In that sense."

*Gotcha.*"

_There is NO WAY...wait, he did say ALL possible universes, right? Including...maybe...?_

"Jesse. You said ALL possible universes, right?"

*Yep, although the Giles/Xander universe is pretty extreme, though.*

"Jesse, shut up with that Giles/me thing...Ewww. getting back to my question...do any of those universe involve me and Buffy being...well...together? And wipe that smirk of your face."

*You mean in like in that Giles/you universe type of way?*

"Damnit, Jesse!"

*Hehe. Sorry, couldn't help it. Actually, yes, there are universes where you and Buffy are together. Why?*

"These universes...Think you could show them to me?"

*I was wondering when you would ask me that...Right this way, my friend...*

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Location: _EveryWhere_

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Time: _EveryWhen_

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~*~

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{{Well, Valis...I see you have yet to make your move.}}

Patience, Demon Lord. As one of my pieces stated, Rome was not built in a day.

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{{As an aside, we could have built Rome in less than a day, actually. Very well. I hope your move is a good one...}}

You'll see...

TBC?

Feedback. As a humble request. 


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